In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I am midnight drunk by noon
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
