fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
