Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
