I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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