Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
