All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
