A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
