why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
