Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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