I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
