just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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