Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
