pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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