I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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