i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
