Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
