I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
