if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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