im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
