he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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