and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You ate ashes out of my bong
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
