I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
