Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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