I need to stop coming to work sober
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
