I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
