My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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