don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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