We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i think my cat just said my name.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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