when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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