I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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