what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
