Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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