If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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