cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
