i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
