either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
