dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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