Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
