I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
