I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
