So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my shit smells like andre
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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