I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
