my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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