someone owes me an orgasm
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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