remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
