We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
