Umm I'm too high to move.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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