I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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