Can i not drive my cunt home
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
