I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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